A while ago, I found an E-card saying “Society is going to judge you anyway, so do whatever you want to do”. Exposing yourself out there, you can’t avoid being criticised, hated. No matter how good you are trying to be and how much effort you put in it, there will always be Hate.
Some people find it very easy to filter the negative energy they feel and move on. Their confidence, self-respect and good self-esteem is what keeps them going. Mean gossips, bad comments, critics can either make you or break you.
It broke me…
It all started in March 2012, when I started realising I am not as skinny as the other girls in my dance group were. I did always get slight comments on how I am somehow bigger, but it all got worse when I got myself into social platforms such as Formspring, Ask.FM, I already had a blog, so I was an open door for everybody who wanted to spit out some negative energy. I was constantly getting negative comments that I was so afraid to talk to my mother about. I always took it on my shoulders, thinking it’s me who doesn’t deserve to be loved neither respected, as I was sure I am doing something… Everything wrong. After my body and the way I look became rather an obsession than just an issue, I began to attend gym classes and trainings. I would literally go to the gym every day after school and exercise until it was closed. Endless hours of self-torturing and it still was not enough. I found that I was gaining muscles instead of losing weight, so I stopped eating. I would eat as little as I could, starve myself, go to the gym and come back home. I was in my 9th grade and I had the most important exams of my life at that moment, but I couldn’t care less. All I was thinking about was counting calories and finishing school in order to get to the gym. I would be looking at skinny girls and cry myself out because I was not like them. As time passed, I found myself hating what I saw looking in the mirror.
After some days, my mother began to realise I was barely eating anything and I looked ill. I was pale and weak 24 hours a day. I would tell her I had something to eat at school or I will order something at the gym bar, but she could clearly tell I was losing weight too fast.
This is where my longtime companion came in. Meet buliMia.
Realising I couldn’t go on starving myself, I began to eat as much as I could, but throwing it all up back. I couldn’t stand the idea of having food in my stomach because I was insanely afraid to put an extra gram on me. It was hell… and it still is. When I first started doing that, I didn’t even know this is a disease. Imagine my shock when I was in a psychology lecture and the teacher was telling us this is the number 1 cause of deaths caused by eating disorders. I talked to my mother about it who took it as a complete stupidity I can control and didn’t take any measures. I can’t blame her – Bulimia is an extremely important issue but the awareness about it is too bloody low! I had no support and didn’t even want it! I was sure I am alright and I am in control and this is just something I do to keep myself fit but not sacrifice the pleasure of eating TASTY food (I LOVE eating).
Some months passed and I went home for the summer half-term. To my surprise, my mother had researched my disorder and I found her more concerned than I’ve ever saw her before. We went to several therapies but they didn’t help as I was sure I don’t need them… The most important step to recovery is realising this is a problem and be open to any help you need and be attentive to people around you… Your best friend or your sister, or your cousin might be suffering and hurting themselves and nobody pays the needed attention.
I did win bulimia for half of year. I was bulimia free and proud of myself, but it comes back. It comes back once you’re stressed out and bothered by an extra kilogram on your body. It takes a lot of work and courage to come clean about it and to realise it is a problem that needs to be solved.
I hope this will help anyone who is reading this to understand that loving yourself and feeling confident about who you are is the key to true happiness.